Monday, March 3, 2014
sometimes i wish my parents understood
not to sound like one of those "im mad at the world an no one understands me" teenagers, but i so wish my parents understood how truly plagued I am by my emetephobia. it's been a really rough morning so far, as i got no sleep last night due to my anxiety. when the time to go to school rolled around, i was in a complete panic, and i seriously thought i was about to vomit- and i still do feel that way. ive felt sick for the whole weekend now, much to my distress. while in a state of full blown panic, I was threaten and yelled at for my anxiety, which is apparently "bullshit", by my parents. they've now threatened to send me to some kind of inpatient program or boarding school, which I believe to be a complete overreaction. I may be in the wrong in thinking an inpatient center is taking it too far, but after analyzing everything that's happened lately, I do believe it to be an overreaction. they've also constantly put me down for "not being brave enough" and "being a bullshitter", which illustrates that they have absolutely no clue how severe of an anxiety disorder i have, even though they claim they know exactly what I'm going through. additionally, my dad is grounding me, taking my phone away, and selling around 8 of my concert tickets (all of which I payed about $500 out of my pocket for) and I couldn't be more angry. if I had some kind of physical health issue they wouldn't punish me like this, so why am I being punished for a mental disorder that's almost completely out of my control? my parents are really great people and I'm very grateful for them, but I wish that for once they could supportively push me to conquer my anxiety, opposed to putting me down for it.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
ups and downs
i seriously wish that i could just get rid of my OCD, because when I don't have intrusive thoughts, im such a happy person. it seems to be on and off, ill be super distressed by my OCD for 3 days, and then it will disappear, and then I'm happy (despite my emetephobia) again. the cycle just repeats and repeats, despite my best efforts to stop it.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
natural remedies for anxiety/OCD
i have a feeling i'll keep adding things to the list, but here's my attempt at sharing what helped me lessen some of my anxiety (since im so opposed to medication) and hopefully if you're interested you can purchase some of these things to help with your anxiety!
-vitamin D supplements (one of the reasons my doctor claims that my anxiety is present is that my vitamin d level is 14 when it should be a 60, and in all honesty, ive seen a slight lessening in my symptoms since i started taking vitamin d!)
-magnesium oil
-stress relief bubble baths from bath and body works
-herbal teas
-lavender spray (search it, it can be purchased off a bunch of natural remedy sites, and i spray it on my pillows every night before i go to bed and it helps to lessen my anxiety and stop my mind from racing by calming me down!)
-the biotuner (unfortunately, i don't really remember what it's called exactly, but if you search biotuner anxiety I'm sure you'll find it!)
-excercise
-eating healthy (how is that even possible when Taco Bell exists?!- but i promise you it works!)
-vitamin D supplements (one of the reasons my doctor claims that my anxiety is present is that my vitamin d level is 14 when it should be a 60, and in all honesty, ive seen a slight lessening in my symptoms since i started taking vitamin d!)
-magnesium oil
-stress relief bubble baths from bath and body works
-herbal teas
-lavender spray (search it, it can be purchased off a bunch of natural remedy sites, and i spray it on my pillows every night before i go to bed and it helps to lessen my anxiety and stop my mind from racing by calming me down!)
-the biotuner (unfortunately, i don't really remember what it's called exactly, but if you search biotuner anxiety I'm sure you'll find it!)
-excercise
-eating healthy (how is that even possible when Taco Bell exists?!- but i promise you it works!)
one of the best metaphors about OCD and intrusive thoughts!
think of these thoughts as annoying kids on the back of the bus, and you're the bus driver. theyll repeatedly jokingly tell you to crash the bus, which is the last thing you'd ever want to do, as you'd be hurting so many people. you don't listen to these kids though, you just continue to drive the bus to its destination. the moral of this is that you need to continue to drive your figurative bus, as these thoughts can taunt you all you want, but they will never lead to anything, and they can never make you do anything.
my therapist once told me this one, and as silly as it sounds, it really did help me to get a grasp on my intrusive thoughts!
my therapist once told me this one, and as silly as it sounds, it really did help me to get a grasp on my intrusive thoughts!
what OCD is and how it works
this is going to end up being a pretty simple post, as i'm not a doctor, and im not a therapist, i'm just an OCD sufferer who has hours and hours of internet research under her sleeve. not that that counts for anything! anyways, if you're reading my blog, and you don't suffer from any type of anxiety/OCD, all these terms and thoughts are probably foreign to you. so i'll try to explain it!
obsessive compulsive disorder is a mental disorder in which the sufferer experiences unwanted, intrusive thoughts, which vary greatly in their content, which are normally existent with compulsions, which the sufferer carries out in order to allieviate and hopefully suppress the intrusive thoughts, because they're super distressing.
ocd intrusive thought topics can be (and are not limited to):
-violent thoughts (fear of hurting someone else/oneself, fear of suicide/homicide, intrusive images about hurting oneself or others, etc) people with violent intrusive thoughts are proven to be nonviolent, and they NEVER act upon these thoughts. that's right, there's absolutely no record of anyone with intrusive thoughts actually acting upon them. they're just anxiety based thoughts. this type of OCD is sometimes referred to as "Harm OCD" or "HOCD"
-sexual thoughts (fear of becoming gay, fear of being a paedophile, etc) for people who suffer from sexual thoughts, they will experience unwanted images and thoughts about things that they find immoral, such as a change in their sexuality. i wouldn't say that i have that much knowledge of this category of intrusive thoughts, as i only briefly had them in 6th grade, but this type of OCD is commonly referred to as "Homosexual OCD" or "HOCD.
-immoral thoughts (thoughts of cursing at God/another religious figure, etc) similarly to the last topic, i don't know much about these types of thoughts, but i do know that they're extremely common, and very disturbing to the suffer.
-symmetry (everything has to be in its place, the need for symmetry, etc) this is also a very common form of OCD, and it is also one of the forms that has the greatest chance of there being compulsions. i don't know much about this topic, just like the last two, but i have read a lot about it.
-numbers (certain numbers need to be avoided, etc) with this type of OCD, the sufferer believes that they must avoid a certain number or set of numbers (for example, "13" or odd numbers) because if they don't, something bad will happen. i also don't know much about this type of OCD- wow I must sound stupid by now- but it is very common.
compulsions can include and are not limited to:
-checking (repeatedly making sure everything is unplugged, making sure everything is in your backpack, making sure all the lights are off, etc)
-mental checking (repeatedly checking on one's mental status, hypervigilance, paying extra attention to every thought had, asking oneself if they are capable of certain events, etc)
-tapping
-having to do things a certain amount of times until it feels "just right"
-obsessive hand washing
-perfectionism (spending unusual amounts of time on assignments, erasing things until they look perfect, etc)
-avoiding numbers
-repeatedly performing tasks (such as showering and hand washing) over and over again until they feel right
-having to do everything symmetrically
and wow there's so many more, im just having trouble racking my brain for them considering its 1 am.
this is so important, and this really helped me begin to conquer my OCD: thought suppression does!!! not!! work!!! let the thoughts come, hey, even encourage them! they're just thoughts, and you have all power over them- they can't make you do anything you want to do, as it's just you being your anxious self. you're not crazy, and you're not going to go crazy. once you get this down, you can start to self manage your OCD- learn to coexist with the thoughts instead of ruminating over them!
obsessive compulsive disorder is a mental disorder in which the sufferer experiences unwanted, intrusive thoughts, which vary greatly in their content, which are normally existent with compulsions, which the sufferer carries out in order to allieviate and hopefully suppress the intrusive thoughts, because they're super distressing.
ocd intrusive thought topics can be (and are not limited to):
-violent thoughts (fear of hurting someone else/oneself, fear of suicide/homicide, intrusive images about hurting oneself or others, etc) people with violent intrusive thoughts are proven to be nonviolent, and they NEVER act upon these thoughts. that's right, there's absolutely no record of anyone with intrusive thoughts actually acting upon them. they're just anxiety based thoughts. this type of OCD is sometimes referred to as "Harm OCD" or "HOCD"
-sexual thoughts (fear of becoming gay, fear of being a paedophile, etc) for people who suffer from sexual thoughts, they will experience unwanted images and thoughts about things that they find immoral, such as a change in their sexuality. i wouldn't say that i have that much knowledge of this category of intrusive thoughts, as i only briefly had them in 6th grade, but this type of OCD is commonly referred to as "Homosexual OCD" or "HOCD.
-immoral thoughts (thoughts of cursing at God/another religious figure, etc) similarly to the last topic, i don't know much about these types of thoughts, but i do know that they're extremely common, and very disturbing to the suffer.
-symmetry (everything has to be in its place, the need for symmetry, etc) this is also a very common form of OCD, and it is also one of the forms that has the greatest chance of there being compulsions. i don't know much about this topic, just like the last two, but i have read a lot about it.
-numbers (certain numbers need to be avoided, etc) with this type of OCD, the sufferer believes that they must avoid a certain number or set of numbers (for example, "13" or odd numbers) because if they don't, something bad will happen. i also don't know much about this type of OCD- wow I must sound stupid by now- but it is very common.
compulsions can include and are not limited to:
-checking (repeatedly making sure everything is unplugged, making sure everything is in your backpack, making sure all the lights are off, etc)
-mental checking (repeatedly checking on one's mental status, hypervigilance, paying extra attention to every thought had, asking oneself if they are capable of certain events, etc)
-tapping
-having to do things a certain amount of times until it feels "just right"
-obsessive hand washing
-perfectionism (spending unusual amounts of time on assignments, erasing things until they look perfect, etc)
-avoiding numbers
-repeatedly performing tasks (such as showering and hand washing) over and over again until they feel right
-having to do everything symmetrically
and wow there's so many more, im just having trouble racking my brain for them considering its 1 am.
this is so important, and this really helped me begin to conquer my OCD: thought suppression does!!! not!! work!!! let the thoughts come, hey, even encourage them! they're just thoughts, and you have all power over them- they can't make you do anything you want to do, as it's just you being your anxious self. you're not crazy, and you're not going to go crazy. once you get this down, you can start to self manage your OCD- learn to coexist with the thoughts instead of ruminating over them!
my experience with OCD and anxiety, and the telltale signs that i was more than your average worrier!
so i guess this would be the most important place to start! i always get told that i have a pretty elaborate memory, so if you find any of the details questionable, keep in mind that i do remember all of these events very clearly! i could probably go on and on explaining how i found out that i had anxiety, but ill just brush over the basics in a messy bulleted list, just incase you think you might have anxiety or you have anxiety, because i'd love to find more people who experience the same things as me- because i still occasionally feel alone to this day!
-by age 5, i was avoiding the nurses office at my elementary school, as i knew sick people went there- it got to the point where i would bawl and refuse whenever i was asked to visit the nurse, whether it was for a lice head check or if it was just to get a bandaid! i started therapy, and i don't remember much, but i do remember that my therapist made me draw some not so flattering pictures of the school nurse. i don't know what that helped with, but it did provide some comic relief, as im sure my messy, confusing, "what even is this" drawings done with a box of crayola crayons gave my therapist something to laugh at amongst my anxiety-fueled babbling!
-by age 7, i was getting ill before school. i won't get into details because that's a little too far, but i got all different types of sickness having to do with my stomach, yet worst of all, i would violently and uncontrollably gag minutes before school and during the first hour of school. im not really sure about this one, but i think this is where my first true panic attack took place- and then they continued to take place over and over again, but somehow, my panic seemed to magically disappear on weekends, much to the confusion of my parents! i learned at age 12 that this is called school refusal, and no, it's not that kind of refusal that those cut up weed smoking cutting class type of kids do, it's refusal fueled by anxiety, accompanied by crying, panic, and physical sickness. so you could say elementary school was a blast for me.. (all sarcasm aside, despite my anxiety, i did end up having a pretty rockin time in K-4, i was a super happy kid!)
-by age 11, i had started middle school, and in fifth grade i was (embarrassingly) crying that i "missed my mom"- which i know now was the result of repeated panic attacks, as i felt safe whenever i was with my mom. yet still, i acted like a trooper, because the last thing my fifth grade peace sign throwing Aeropostale wearing self would ever want to happen is have anyone think im a cry baby.
-by age 12, i had my first bout of intrusive thoughts. by definition, intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts of disturbing content (violent, sexual, immoral) brought on by obsessive compulsive disorder. i was sitting in 6th grade english class, reading some book (i don't quite remember which book) and suddenly, a huge wave of panic came over me. i felt dizzy, my throat got tight, and my head was racing, and my first obsession was born: self harm. now let me get this clear, because self harm is a serious thing: i have never self harmed, nor have i ever had a real intention to. now that that's off the table, let me expand. these intrusive thoughts (as you would imagine) were so horrifying to me. i saw images of myself slitting my wrists with knives in my kitchen, i had repeated thoughts of self harm, and i began to avoid anything sharp as i was so afraid that i would hurt myself. as hard as i tried, i couldn't shake these thoughts. i tried everything that my little sixth grade self could do, yet i reached no success in getting rid of the thoughts. finally, i told my mom what was going on, and she understood completely, being that both OCD and anxiety run strongly on her side of the family- hence why i have it! i noticed that these thoughts disappeared around April, and i was delighted to be back to myself again. and gasp- in may i contracted the stomach flu, my first time since a really young age, and believe it or not, it wasn't horrible. it actually cured my emetephobia for a whole, and those 24 hours of flu torture were pretty worth the absence of my emetephobia for a few weeks.
-by age 14, i was in 8th grade! i was the "big kid on campus"- i was in love with everything having to do with 8th grade, i had a huge group of friends, and i found myself having a really good time. yet this is when i first started to socially withdrawal. it's not that i didn't want to hang out with my friends, i found myself to be WAY too anxious going out of the house, so i kind of just gave up. my friends noticed, and they constantly begged me to come hang out with them more, and i tried, I really did, but i never found myself having a really good time with no anxiety. I experienced a majority of panic attacks at friends houses, and that was the end of that. my friends gradually stopped inviting me places, but they did still talk to me. i don't blame them, because if someone said no to me every time I asked them to hang out, i wouldn't invite them places either! as winter rolled around, i remember that i was waiting on a train platform with my friends on our way to NYC, and i got this horrid thought. it told me to jump in front of the train. i immeadiately stepped back from the tracks and launched myself into a complete panic, as i didn't know why this thought came out of nowhere, because in no way was i suicidal. anyways, i spent the rest of my day in the city ruminating over why i got that nasty thought instead of enjoying myself. i continued to have these thoughts over and over again during the winter, and i was often late to school because i was crying over how overwhelming they were, as i didn't get what they were. i had no reason to die, i didn't want to die, yet i was always thinking about death, even though i didn't want to. i started talk therapy again, but it barely helped. the therapist was lovely, but focusing on my anxiety didn't help, and i wasn't readily eager to share my vulgar intrusive thoughts with my therapist.
-by age 15, I was in high school! the first two months went great, and i seriously had little to no anxiety until november. i was missing a lot of class due to my frequent visits to the nurse (quite ironic, as i used to be terrified of the nurse) because in 7th grade, i had started my compulsion of repeatedly visiting the nurse. the nurse would always get mad at me, confused as to why i constantly complained of nausea- which i understand completely, because she probably thought i was trying to skip class! anyways, it got really bad by the end of november. winter was rolling around once again, and so was my anxiety, but worse than ever. my parents cracked and made the final decision to force me to take a medication for my anxiety. their intentions were the best, but ive never had a more miserable experience in my life. i visited a doctor who prescribed me zoloft after asking me only 2 or 3 questions, and then misdiagnosing me with panic disorder. I started with 20mg (a subtheraputic dose) of zoloft, and only after 12 hours of the medicine entering my system, I was considerably worse. the worsening of my symptoms might've been partly my fault, as I had spent a full day googling the possible side effects of zoloft for teens (another mental compulsion) and I had discovered that zoloft can cause suicidal thoughts in teens, so of course, this spooked me, and my previously dormant OCD was once again off to the races. i started the medication on the first day of Christmas break, and i ended up sleeping a total of 15 hours at the most the whole break! i suffered from a weird buzzing sensation in my brain, a loss of appetite, weight loss (15 pounds!), depression (which I have no history of), insomnia, nausea, severe depersonilization, and worst of all, suicidal thoughts. my worst nightmare came true, and im not sure whether or not I caused this myself, but I experienced REAL suicidal thoughts, and i ended up spending Christmas break crying daily in bed. i couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep, and i spent christmas day in my bed. i have never been so furious with my parents in my life, and i know that i was throwing myself a pity party, but the medicine truly took my life on a turn for the worst. i was having constant feelings of depersonilization which led to my new obsessions over schizophrenia, psychosis, and "going crazy"- all of which I know are typical of OCD, yet they still took over my life. i had a few episodes on the medication where i could've swore (and i still think this) that i was going crazy, and deep down, i know I wasn't, but I felt such a severe indescribable feeling in my mind, and it drove me to constant panic attacks. after 3 weeks of torture, i thankfully convinced my parents to take me off the medicine, as they were starting to notice how severely impacted I was by the medicine as well. i was no longer goofily skipping around my house singing fall out boy and smiling, I was now bedridden and crying each day. and god, i also looked like death. i was noticeably a lot skinnier and some of my closest friends actually approached me thinking I had developed anorexia, plus I was a lot more pale than I normally am and my eyes were constantly bloodshot. ugh, it was miserable. anyways, I feel as if I've been rambling about this portion of my life for way too long, and i most likely sound absolutely crazy by now! to sum it all up, in the winter of 9th grade, i found a new CBT specialist who helped a lot (i still go to him now!), begged my parents to take me to the hospital because I was so scared of going crazy, missed a bunch of school, and ended up pretty depressed about my situation.
since my fingers are starting to hurt from typing, ill stop at 9th grade for now! it's 12:30 am, so I should probably head to bed, but i know that ill probably just end up on my phone until 3am.. whatever, ill talk to you guys soon!
**DISCLAIMER: that must sound so crazy to someone who doesn't have OCD or anxiety, so I apologize!***
-by age 5, i was avoiding the nurses office at my elementary school, as i knew sick people went there- it got to the point where i would bawl and refuse whenever i was asked to visit the nurse, whether it was for a lice head check or if it was just to get a bandaid! i started therapy, and i don't remember much, but i do remember that my therapist made me draw some not so flattering pictures of the school nurse. i don't know what that helped with, but it did provide some comic relief, as im sure my messy, confusing, "what even is this" drawings done with a box of crayola crayons gave my therapist something to laugh at amongst my anxiety-fueled babbling!
-by age 7, i was getting ill before school. i won't get into details because that's a little too far, but i got all different types of sickness having to do with my stomach, yet worst of all, i would violently and uncontrollably gag minutes before school and during the first hour of school. im not really sure about this one, but i think this is where my first true panic attack took place- and then they continued to take place over and over again, but somehow, my panic seemed to magically disappear on weekends, much to the confusion of my parents! i learned at age 12 that this is called school refusal, and no, it's not that kind of refusal that those cut up weed smoking cutting class type of kids do, it's refusal fueled by anxiety, accompanied by crying, panic, and physical sickness. so you could say elementary school was a blast for me.. (all sarcasm aside, despite my anxiety, i did end up having a pretty rockin time in K-4, i was a super happy kid!)
-by age 11, i had started middle school, and in fifth grade i was (embarrassingly) crying that i "missed my mom"- which i know now was the result of repeated panic attacks, as i felt safe whenever i was with my mom. yet still, i acted like a trooper, because the last thing my fifth grade peace sign throwing Aeropostale wearing self would ever want to happen is have anyone think im a cry baby.
-by age 12, i had my first bout of intrusive thoughts. by definition, intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts of disturbing content (violent, sexual, immoral) brought on by obsessive compulsive disorder. i was sitting in 6th grade english class, reading some book (i don't quite remember which book) and suddenly, a huge wave of panic came over me. i felt dizzy, my throat got tight, and my head was racing, and my first obsession was born: self harm. now let me get this clear, because self harm is a serious thing: i have never self harmed, nor have i ever had a real intention to. now that that's off the table, let me expand. these intrusive thoughts (as you would imagine) were so horrifying to me. i saw images of myself slitting my wrists with knives in my kitchen, i had repeated thoughts of self harm, and i began to avoid anything sharp as i was so afraid that i would hurt myself. as hard as i tried, i couldn't shake these thoughts. i tried everything that my little sixth grade self could do, yet i reached no success in getting rid of the thoughts. finally, i told my mom what was going on, and she understood completely, being that both OCD and anxiety run strongly on her side of the family- hence why i have it! i noticed that these thoughts disappeared around April, and i was delighted to be back to myself again. and gasp- in may i contracted the stomach flu, my first time since a really young age, and believe it or not, it wasn't horrible. it actually cured my emetephobia for a whole, and those 24 hours of flu torture were pretty worth the absence of my emetephobia for a few weeks.
-by age 14, i was in 8th grade! i was the "big kid on campus"- i was in love with everything having to do with 8th grade, i had a huge group of friends, and i found myself having a really good time. yet this is when i first started to socially withdrawal. it's not that i didn't want to hang out with my friends, i found myself to be WAY too anxious going out of the house, so i kind of just gave up. my friends noticed, and they constantly begged me to come hang out with them more, and i tried, I really did, but i never found myself having a really good time with no anxiety. I experienced a majority of panic attacks at friends houses, and that was the end of that. my friends gradually stopped inviting me places, but they did still talk to me. i don't blame them, because if someone said no to me every time I asked them to hang out, i wouldn't invite them places either! as winter rolled around, i remember that i was waiting on a train platform with my friends on our way to NYC, and i got this horrid thought. it told me to jump in front of the train. i immeadiately stepped back from the tracks and launched myself into a complete panic, as i didn't know why this thought came out of nowhere, because in no way was i suicidal. anyways, i spent the rest of my day in the city ruminating over why i got that nasty thought instead of enjoying myself. i continued to have these thoughts over and over again during the winter, and i was often late to school because i was crying over how overwhelming they were, as i didn't get what they were. i had no reason to die, i didn't want to die, yet i was always thinking about death, even though i didn't want to. i started talk therapy again, but it barely helped. the therapist was lovely, but focusing on my anxiety didn't help, and i wasn't readily eager to share my vulgar intrusive thoughts with my therapist.
-by age 15, I was in high school! the first two months went great, and i seriously had little to no anxiety until november. i was missing a lot of class due to my frequent visits to the nurse (quite ironic, as i used to be terrified of the nurse) because in 7th grade, i had started my compulsion of repeatedly visiting the nurse. the nurse would always get mad at me, confused as to why i constantly complained of nausea- which i understand completely, because she probably thought i was trying to skip class! anyways, it got really bad by the end of november. winter was rolling around once again, and so was my anxiety, but worse than ever. my parents cracked and made the final decision to force me to take a medication for my anxiety. their intentions were the best, but ive never had a more miserable experience in my life. i visited a doctor who prescribed me zoloft after asking me only 2 or 3 questions, and then misdiagnosing me with panic disorder. I started with 20mg (a subtheraputic dose) of zoloft, and only after 12 hours of the medicine entering my system, I was considerably worse. the worsening of my symptoms might've been partly my fault, as I had spent a full day googling the possible side effects of zoloft for teens (another mental compulsion) and I had discovered that zoloft can cause suicidal thoughts in teens, so of course, this spooked me, and my previously dormant OCD was once again off to the races. i started the medication on the first day of Christmas break, and i ended up sleeping a total of 15 hours at the most the whole break! i suffered from a weird buzzing sensation in my brain, a loss of appetite, weight loss (15 pounds!), depression (which I have no history of), insomnia, nausea, severe depersonilization, and worst of all, suicidal thoughts. my worst nightmare came true, and im not sure whether or not I caused this myself, but I experienced REAL suicidal thoughts, and i ended up spending Christmas break crying daily in bed. i couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep, and i spent christmas day in my bed. i have never been so furious with my parents in my life, and i know that i was throwing myself a pity party, but the medicine truly took my life on a turn for the worst. i was having constant feelings of depersonilization which led to my new obsessions over schizophrenia, psychosis, and "going crazy"- all of which I know are typical of OCD, yet they still took over my life. i had a few episodes on the medication where i could've swore (and i still think this) that i was going crazy, and deep down, i know I wasn't, but I felt such a severe indescribable feeling in my mind, and it drove me to constant panic attacks. after 3 weeks of torture, i thankfully convinced my parents to take me off the medicine, as they were starting to notice how severely impacted I was by the medicine as well. i was no longer goofily skipping around my house singing fall out boy and smiling, I was now bedridden and crying each day. and god, i also looked like death. i was noticeably a lot skinnier and some of my closest friends actually approached me thinking I had developed anorexia, plus I was a lot more pale than I normally am and my eyes were constantly bloodshot. ugh, it was miserable. anyways, I feel as if I've been rambling about this portion of my life for way too long, and i most likely sound absolutely crazy by now! to sum it all up, in the winter of 9th grade, i found a new CBT specialist who helped a lot (i still go to him now!), begged my parents to take me to the hospital because I was so scared of going crazy, missed a bunch of school, and ended up pretty depressed about my situation.
since my fingers are starting to hurt from typing, ill stop at 9th grade for now! it's 12:30 am, so I should probably head to bed, but i know that ill probably just end up on my phone until 3am.. whatever, ill talk to you guys soon!
**DISCLAIMER: that must sound so crazy to someone who doesn't have OCD or anxiety, so I apologize!***
so i guess this is my introduction.. hey!
hey! this is all sort of new to me, sharing my daily thoughts with the internet- and im not exactly sure how i feel about it yet, but i hope i don't sound too mental! i also don't want anyone to see me in a different light, and i hope you like me despite this quirk i have- because it's a major part of my life! i'd really like to create an awareness (obviously not by myself) of mental disorders, because SO MANY people have them, whether it's anxiety, depression, ADD/ADHD.. anything! i bet you your favorite person on this earth, whether it's a band member, a singer, a writer, an actor, a friend- whoever, suffers from a mental issue, and you have no clue! it's really incredible how well people can function despite obstacles such as mental disorders, and you'd be surprised how seemingly "normal" people with mental disorders are- which completely overrides the stereotypes! i primarily started this blog because ive always wanted a space where i could write out what happens to me daily- not that anyone cares- but one of my passions is writing, so if i could write about my lame life, and hopefully have some people with anxiety feel less alone at the same time, i'd be stoked! for a little background, i've had emetephobia (the extreme fear of vomiting), hypochondria (an extreme fear and hypervigilance having to do with both mental and physical health) and pure obsessional OCD from the early age of 6, and i've been in and out of various talk therapists, yet im currently with an excellent CBT specialist, and i couldn't be more thankful! i also suffer from a bit of seasonal affective disorder, yet opposed to depression, i see more of a rise in my anxiety symptoms during the winter. what can i say, new york winters suck! enough about me, my main purpose here is to primarily make other people feel like they're not alone- and i know how clichè that sounds, and im sure you read that all over tumblr and any other blogs that have to deal with mental issues- but i mean it. i know how alone i felt back in elementary school when i used to gag for an hour before school, and when i used to cry for my mom to come get me- i felt like i was the only one with my condition, and i absolutely forbid myself from ever showing that i had anxiety- and the majority of my friends and the rest of my school still don't know that i have anxiety. i know how good it feels to read a certain sentence- or maybe even a few sentences- that you can relate to from personal experience, and it's a really great feeling. additionally, if you're reading this right now, and you need someone to talk to, please NEVER hesitate to contact me, i promise to never think of you as crazy, i promise to keep your issues confidential, and most of all, i promise to help you to the best of my ability. if you want to contact me, my twitter is @emmakieIy (psst, the "L" in kiely is actually an "i", my original name was taken so i was forced to get a little creative) and my kik is emgraceeee, so you can send me a dm or message whenever you feel like it! it doesn't matter if it's 3 am, because chances are i'm up- i mean it's pretty hard to sleep when you have so many things to tend to on the internet- and i know you know what i mean!
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